If you’re not careful the evils associated with depression can sneak into your life unaware and wreck unimaginable chaos in a life you thought was in order. Most of us do not have the luxury of sitting down while the storm passes. Most of us have to walk through the madness without the benefit of taking to our beds with pills or alcohol. Most of us have to take whatever baby steps we can conceive to cross over into the land of sanity to arrive at a point in our lives where we can once again be productive; where we can find the simplicity of joys in a good meal or the smile of a child or languishing in a bathtub of bubbles.
I am one of those “most of us” of whom I speak.
I can not pinpoint the date or time this evilness crept into my life…I know it was a deceptively crafted plot that I did not or could not identify as it snaked it’s way into my life. I look back and I see the signs that should have told me but I thought it was simply a momentary lapse into the rest to which I thought I was entitled to as a reformed workaholic. More of the time my Lord has given me in these last couple of years that I care to admit, even to myself, I have been walking in a cloud of this evilness called depression.
I watched myself separate from friends and family. I heard myself snap at cashiers. I would sit as a vegetable in front of the TV (something I have always avoided). I prayed that my phone would not ring with one more person asking me to do something for them. Cigarettes became a good friend and baby steps proved to be a slow laborious process, a daily struggle to maintain, to accomplish even the most mundane of tasks. I loathe this state of mine for I have always viewed myself as a positive and productive person. I will myself to take steps to emerge from this pathetic destructive state of inertia…even though they are only baby steps, each minor tasks I do, I count as a victory against the evil.
I tell myself I will emerge from this cocoon as a beautiful butterfly. I will concentrate on those things which I remember as peaceful and calming. Those things that in the past could make me smile; my bible, my photography, texts from a sweetheart, swimming, conversations with Jordan and laughing at my sweet little grandchild. These are my baby steps. I will use these baby steps to come back from this abyss. This blog that I have neglected… this, my first post in over a year, I claim as another one of my baby steps. With the help of God, I will continue to add more baby steps each day until I can take giant steps, and then, I shall run. I am a kept woman.